I-Luv-Eeyore's blog

Things on Tuesday

I don't really have a good and bad list today.

There is plenty to be down about.
There also happens to be plenty to be happy about.

Here is my new 'life motto'

I just want to be happy with what I have,
even if it is dramatically different than
what I always dreamed it would be.

If I can remember this and start changing the never-ending negative thoughts that keep racing through my mind then I hope to have a PMA (positive mental attitude.)  The new 'life motto' came about as I was composing a post in which I was whining about things I can not change.  Then I realized that I can't change them, so I might as well just accept that fact and do what I can to make my life easier and happier.  It's time I quit dwelling on the negatives and focus on the positives.

So, there you go.  Expect to see a more cheerful me posting here and on FaceBook.

How does that saying go: This is the day the the Lord has made---be happy and rejoice in it.  Is that right?

This is Trish, signing out and saying good-bye to the old unhappy me and saying 'hello, welcome, come in and stay a while' to a newer less negative ME.

Phone calls 'n Stuff

Talking with one's parents is not supposed to depress you.  But, it seems that every time I talk to mine lately I hang up the phone this close >< to crying.  I called tonight to wish my Dad a happy birthday...because I suck as a daughter and didn't even get a card bought, much less actually mailed on time.  (I have a stash of Valentine gifts to send to Massachusetts and not only has it not been mailed---it's not even wrapped much less actually in the mail on it's way.  I start out with good intentions I can't tell you how many cards I've bought intending to get them in the mail before it's too late.  The stash of 'sorry this is late' cards is bigger than anything else.  I'm good at procrastination...I do it rather well.)

Anyway:  So, Dad had a mini-stroke a couple of weeks ago.  I called him exactly once in the hospital and once since he was released.  Again, I suck at being a daughter.  The doctor's have not found a cause for his stroke.  They have told him that he is not to fly or go anywhere away from the doctor and the hospital.  This is a really big deal because my Dad goes on Mission Trips every March and at other times throughout the year.  This year it was Tokyo and he will not be going.  All of the tests have come back saying they can't find out what caused the stroke (did I already say that?)  He goes in Tuesday for a CT scan where they will be looking for the blockage that caused the stroke.

So, then talk turned to other things like it does when anyone talks to their parent's.  I got to hear all about the newest great grand baby.....and, yeah.  I don't want to hear about this baby.  I don't want to know her name, I don't want to know that my brother and his wife are throwing money at that baby--- money they don't have to throw around.  I certainly don't want to hear that this baby, the baby that my brother almost divorced his wife over, spends 75% of her life with them.  I do not wish any bad to come to this baby...but I do not want to see this baby, I don't want to know what she's doing, I don't want to know ANYTHING about her.  What I want is to turn back time and never have offered to adopt her.  Because then I wouldn't hear Joyce's voice in my head saying: "You want Pat to raise my grandbaby? I don't think so."  I also wouldn't hear my Mom's voice saying: "I can't support Nikki giving up her baby---I know what it's like to wonder where your baby is and I wouldn't wish that on anyone."  What I wish I would have had the guts to say back to that statement---"But, Nikki would know where her baby is.  You know where your babies are, too.  They are in Heaven waiting for you."

I want someone to know and understand the pain I feel.
I feel betrayed by my Mom.
I feel betrayed by life.

Then there is my sister-in-law...she just gushes and gushes about how her new baby son has made her feel like her family is now complete.  I don't know if I would feel differently if the baby were named something besides MY DEAD son's name.  But, he is named 'in honor' of my baby and after his grandpa....and that can be overwhelming at times.  Again, I do not want anyone to hurt or to suffer pain, loss or anything other than the joy and excitement a new baby brings to a family. 

I just want my life to be what I envisioned it would be.  I just want to be happy with what I have, even if it is dramatically different than what I always dreamed it would be.

QotD: Friends IRL

Have you ever met an online friend in real life? How did it go?

I have met many of my online friends.  I've met so many that I can't count them.  20, 30 maybe even close to 40.

One time I was driving from Texas to Minnesota and I met an online friend that lived at about the mid-point of the trip.  I met her and her family and spent the night at her house.

Another time I drove from Alabama to Texas to attend an on-line friends wedding.  I met her 'for real' on her wedding day.  A whole passel of women met that weekend for the first time.

One time when Chris was flying to Salt Lake City for a business meeting, I flew with him and met yet another on-line friend.

While living in Texas I met several on-line friends.  We were all pregnant and due in January 2000.  I met one of the Texas ladies for lunch one day.  Another time all of the Texas Mom's met, went out for lunch and then off to the NICU to see triplets that were due in January but made their appearance in October.

I have met many of my on-line friends.  There are many more that I would love to meet.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all of my dear friends.

My sweet wonderful husband always puts a lot of thought into the gifts that he gives. Way back in August 1992 when he showed up at the door ready to take me out on our first date he came bearing gifts. A purple/lavender daisy and a book _Split Infinity_ by Piers Anthony. These were very touching and important gifts as it showed me that he listened when I talked about purple being my favorite color and how I thought unicorns were beautiful. He wrote several little notes throughout the book asking if I liked the story and how much he was looking forward to getting to know me better.

He asked me the other day what I wanted for Valentine's Day. I told him I had no idea but do not go overboard as we don't have the money to just throw around on a bunch of 'stuff'.

When I got up this morning there was a box of my favorite chocolates on the table with a card on top. In the card he wrote: "I love you, baby, more and more, everyday, since our first date. I think after all this time, the daisy has turned to a rose." Then he handed me a purple/lilac colored rose and a new unicorn book: _The Last Unicorn_ by Peter S. Beagle. Inside at the beginning of chapter one he wrote: From our first date, through all the years to come, you are my fantasy girl and I love you.

It's stuff like this that keeps us together when times get so tough and we are unhappy with each other.

Oh, and I thought I was being 'creative' when I wrote this in his card:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My life is wonderful
Because of you.

I should be in bed, asleep

But instead here I sit at the computer trying to do some last minute tweeks to my resume because tomorrow morning, yes in less than ten hours, I have a job interview.  OMG!!  The last 'interview' I had I was greeted with a hug.  The one before that the interviewer asked me: "Tell me of a time that someone said something really stupid to you."  I replied: "Well, this one time in a job interview I was asked to tell the guy about a time someone said something really stupid to me."  He laughed and I got the job.  The time before that I think I got hired by mistake.  That takes me all the way back to the year I graduated high school some 25+ years ago.

I'll let you know how it goes. 
Right now, though, I'm still trying to decide between heels and flats.

_The Life of Pi_ by Yann Martel

I promised Kelly that I would give a short review about this book when I finished it.  I am sad to say that it took me nearly two weeks to read it...and it was not a long book at all.  Mr. Martel divided the story into three different parts.  Unfortunately the first 92 pages of the book is a long introduction of the main character, Pi.  You know from the beginning of the story that Pi does not die during his time on the lifeboat.  So, that is not a spoiler.  What would be a spoiler would be how he came to be on the lifeboat with an orangutan, a zebra with a broken leg, a hyena and a 450 pound Bengal Tiger.  The story of his survival on the lifeboat and how his religious background comes into play makes for a marvelous second part.  By the end of the third part I was ready to hear more about Pi's life and how he came to be the man portrayed at the end.  I've been finished with this book for a few days and I have to say that I miss having Pi in my life.  I'm very glad I 'suffered' through the first 92 pages because the story after that was amazing....and yes, those 92 pages were important to the story as a whole.

QotD: Hello Muddah, hello Faddah...

How often do you speak to your parents on the telephone?

Not often.  My Mom seriously hurt my feelings and even though she doesn't know it---I'm finding it hard to talk to her.  My Dad, meh, don't talk much to him, either.  We owe him a bunch of money and he's being all generous and such...but when I talk to him I feel guilty for not sending him some money.

So, there's all  of that...and they lead such a church oriented life that I find it increasingly hard to talk to them about anything.  They talk about people I don't know---or who I've met once many years ago and can't recall them or they talk about my brothers and what tragedy has befallen them.

I just don't have the time or energy to deal with my own issues...much less about the trials and tribulations are befalling my brothers and their families.  I should be dis-owned.

Tuesday Things

Totally Terrible Tuesday Things:

• Still jobless
• Benefits run out in 10 days
• Unemployment will keep us just barely making it, but I believe we will make it until I find something
• My vision is acting all screwy.  Need to get to the optometrist soon or I will no longer be able to read things on the computer screen
• Screwy vision could be caused by some of the medicines I take on a daily basis
• Do you know how many 'happy pills' I take?  Two, although one is being used as a migraine preventative.
• Constipation...which is the direct result of increasing the anti-migraine dose.

Totally Terrific Tuesday Things:

• I know there are so many things to be grateful for these days.  Sometimes, though it is hard to find them so I can focus on the good.  Whatever mood my husband happens to be in when he walks out the door to go to work is the mood I find myself in for the majority of the day.  But, I don't stay angry or upset---those emotions seem to turn into a 'why do I bother, I wish I could just die and be done with it all' mood.  As soon as I feel that way I make a mental shake and I focus on something that I know makes me happy.  I do not dwell on the negative mood.  I concentrate on making it go away.
• Happiness is:  My puppy-dog laying in a patch of sunshine just soaking up the rays.  He's almost 10 I fear he'll pass well before I'm ready to let go.